U2-Branded Product Empire Is Embarrassingly Small

By Mark R., Posted June 9, 2006 12:00 pm

The blue bar measures levels of smug self-satisfaction.
U2 iPod
A year and a half after teaming up with Apple to market its very own iPod, U2 has teamed up with Apple again, to announce… another U2 iPod. It’s just like the old one, except that this one plays video and costs more. Plus it includes a coupon for a free 30-minute video download.

Really, guys? This is the best you can do? See, this is exactly the kind of myopic thinking that’s standing between you and big-time success.

We can think of several fresh, new products that practically scream for the U2 stamp of approval. Bono, if you’re reading this: Feel free to use any or all of them.

Cane
The U2 Cane-Stool

MAN #1: “It’s a U2 cane!”

MAN #2: “No, it’s a U2 stool!”

BONO: “Gentlemen, please… you’re BOTH right!”

MAN #1: “Holy shit, it’s Bono!”

MAN #2: “No, it’s the Edge!”

The U2 Rape Whistle
U2 was one of the first bands to come out against rape, back when the government wouldn’t even acknowledge its existence. So loud, so shrill…this is the only whistle worthy of the name “U2.”
Large U2 Rape Whistle

The U2 Nose Hair Trimmer
Clip those stray strands – in the naaaaame of love! And hygiene.
Noise hair trimmer by U2

U2 Clove Cigarettes
These cloves are shade-grown, and handpicked by landmine victims who also happen to be rape victims. And dirt poor.
Clove cigarettes

The U2 Home Pregnancy Test
“Oh, honey, Bono is turning blue…I’m so happy!”
U2 Preggers

The U2 Riding Lawn Mower
Ten percent of all sales goes toward a fund to buy lawn mowers for impoverished African villages. Another five percent goes toward a fund to buy them lawns.
Lawn mower